Weird/Stupid Things I Believed as a Kid

I was going to open up a business in my parent’s yard.

I’m not talking about a lemonade stand. When I was five, I wanted to be a veterinarian and clearly told my parents that I was going to have my practice in the backyard. Totally made sense at the time.

I though being a girl sucked.

I grew up watching a lot of action adventure movies. Unfortunately, at the time none of them contained any strong female role models. The women in these films were anything but brave- they were helpless, scared of everything, continually endangering their party, etc. Take Wendy from Peter Pan. All the boys got to fight pirates and go on adventures. Wendy was stuck at home playing Mom. Swiss Family Robinson had two female characters, and one was worse than useless. She almost got the guys killed several times and shrieked at the sight of a lizard. The only thing she was good for was creating strife among the two older brothers, who saw her as their last and only chance to get some.

I hate you so much.

All my favorite Ray Harryhausen films had characters like this. I really did think that as a girl I was required to act this way. It didn’t help that I was a tomboy that my relatives were always trying to cram into dresses.

Of course now we have more strong female leads in films. The problem is, they can easily be overshadowed by their dual status as a sex symbol.

Jolie clearly isn’t sexy enough to play Lara Croft without boob padding.

I once confused Whitney Houston and Whoopi Goldberg.

This sounds horrible, like I can’t tell the difference between black people. A few years after I’d seen The Bodyguard I was trying to remember who starred in Sister Act (which came out the same year). I couldn’t remember her name, just that it contained a “W” and I had enjoyed her singing. I mentioned the wrong actress and my dad spent a good deal of time making fun of me.

Totally the same person.

I had a very warped view of humor and good acting.

Everyone has this problem. Movies that you loved as a kid can seem stupid when viewed as an adult. I distinctly remember commenting on the outstanding acting of Eric Thal in Puppet Masters when I was a teenager and Ernest flicks made me laugh. I doubt I could stand an Ernest movie these days (though Pee-wee is still funny). One of the neat things about becoming a parent is rewatching old classics and seeing which ones are still “good.” I watched Dumbo while pregnant and cried about five times (there’s so much mommy love stuff in there). The Dark Crystal is still a classic, but watching the “making of” video as an adult made me appreciate it as a work of art too.

Santa was real for entirely too long.

I had a really active imagination as a kid. When I looked at the clouds, I tried very hard to look for Pegasus even though I knew there weren’t real. In spite of this, or perhaps because of it, I quickly wrote off the idea of God as wishful thinking on the part of adults. It was therefore kind of strange that I believed in Santa well beyond the time when I should have stopped. Even in the face of multiple accounts of other kids coming downstairs to find their parents placing gifts under the tree I stayed a believer. Why?

This

Proof! I don’t know why it never occurred to me that my parents could have done that with my father’s boots, but it didn’t. Maybe it was the even stronger belief that my parents wouldn’t lie to me. I mean they were my parents! Why would they make up something like that?

Sex was gross.

What kid doesn’t believe this. My sisters and I asked Dad this and got an accurate description. Of course this totally disgusted us, and I remember remarking that I was “going to do it like a silkworm moth and just get it over with” (we had just worked with these in my classroom).

Awww yeah

“Money for Nothing” was by AC/DC

Money for Nothing is by Dire Straits. Not only that, but the lead singer of AC/DC has a pretty damned distinct voice. Yet I repeatedly made this mistake. My father really made fun of me for this, playing Sultans of Swing and AC/DC once in sequence so I could see how completely unalike the two bands were. Nonetheless, it still feels like an AC/DC song to me, even though I know it isn’t. In my defense, most of the other Dire Straits songs I’ve heard are a lot more mellow and relaxing.

What weird things did you believe as a kid?

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